Not so Pretty All the Time

Honest Post

Today, I am not feeling all that cute and bubbly. The photo speaks otherwise, right? (Thank you filters and awesome afternoon office lighting) I didn’t sleep well last night because sleeping upright just sucks! My back really hurts, that and Amazon is a liar! The wedge pillow that promised a “great night of sleep” can kiss my ass. It is as uncomfortable as my old push-up bras were.

That aside, along with surgery comes side effects and healing. Today I am itchy, the stitches holding me together feel like they are tickling me – I hate being tickled. So scratch it, right? Ever scratched a bruise? That is a hard NOPE. I am so over the compression wrap – thankfully today is the last day of that nonsense. Oh, so you know that feeling you get after overeating Thanksgiving dinner; you know that ‘bust out the fat-girl pants’ feeling? Today, I am rocking that vibe & it sucks. This is caused from water retention, anesthesia and healing. It will pass but until it does blah. Speaking of food – I am trying to fule myself with healthy foods to help healing but I just do not want to cook or do anything ::said in a pouty voice::

so today … it is still a great day but today can end. This doesn’t mean I am having regrets, none whatsoever. Just means that along with the fun, glowing photos I share, there is also the super shitty part of the surgery that many won’t share with you. Pardon me as I go fan myself, sweating like a fat man at the beach #KeepingItReal


Day 6 Post Op & on to phase two of healing … I am drain free!!!

Funny (not so funny) story … I was so excited for this day, drain removal day!! So excited that I couldn’t stop thinking about it, but as I did, I got super nauseous and had to calm myself back down so I didn’t puke (3 hours before my appointment).

So we get to my appointment (my Husband by my side) & as soon as I get into the room & take off my compression wrap I start over thinking (in complete spaz fashion), before the nurse even touched the drains I started heavy breathing and sweating. Yep, you guessed it …. I almost passed out … again … just like I did pre-surgery.

Thanks to my sweet nurse and Husband I was cooled down, hydrated and maintained consciousness.

As for the drain removal – yeah that didn’t hurt at all. Like not one bit – just felt strange. I completely over reacted and walked out smiling and drain free. Don’t be like me.

Things I am looking forward to: washing my own hair, reaching above my shoulders, sleeping on my side again, cooking, longer walks, not draining fluid from my body.

Something was wrong but Nobody was Listening

Something was wrong but nobody is listening!

I have received the same question a few times over the past few days: “what made you remove your implants?”

I have been to a handful of doctor appointments over the past few years for blood work, check-ups, physicals just to make sure I am “okay” and make sure I was not crazy. Always asking, is it my thyroid, hormones, blood, etc.? (you know, because self diagnoses are always a good idea ::rolls eyes::) Always hearing the same thing: “You are healthy! You are great! Your levels are all normal or better”. I would always walk out of their office relieved because a good bill of health is a wonderful thing however … nothing changed. Nothing. I still had all the symptoms I went in with the first time.

So I continued to turn to natural + home remedies … teas, tinctures, oils, supplements, massages, meditation, google, social media groups, etc., some days were wonderful yet always some type of symptom linered. Nothing changed except my levels of frustration and the feeling of being defeated.

After a while, I learned about Breast Implant Illness (BII). I honestly rolled my eyes and thought to myself there is no way in hell that my breast implants can be causing any of this. The more I read, the more I learned. The more I related.

After everything I’ve been through, I’m not anti-plastic surgery and I’m not anti-breast implants. I’m pro-information. I think you should have absolutely every single fact that’s out there before surgically modifying your body, God knows I wish I would have back then!

At the end of the day, I chose to get implants and can’t blame anyone else for it. But I’m glad I can set my sights on new achievements.

When you think you’re sick and know something is wrong, don’t let yourself be dismissed. Anything, I realized, can really throw your body out of whack—but you don’t have to settle for feeling shitty.

Choosing to explant has truly been the best decision I’ve ever made for myself. My scars will be a reminder of my journey. So I choose to look at them as a sign of strength vs a reminder of a mistake. Changes may leave a mark and be temporarily painful, but staying in the same place is so much worse.

Confidence is a Decision

I treat birthdays like most people treat New Years Eve. I make resolutions for the year every October 19th. Afterall, it is a new year of life given to me. This year, I am giving myself a gift of health. Tuesday morning I will be undergoing surgery for a breast explant procedure. Bye bye (not so fun anymore) fun-bags.

Looking back it is truly mind blowing to think I got (& hid from my parents) my first push-up bra in sixth grade!! Years before I should have even cared about boobs. However, in my mind, everyone who was popular and ‘beautiful’ had boobs, and I wanted them too.

Fast forward to 26, still carrying those insecurities I decided to get breast implants, selecting a surgeon and a pair of DDs. I was so optimistic when I went in for the surgery. I figured my self-image issues were over.

Here I am to today … a few days shy of 38 years old, two kids later and I FINALLY realize that confidence is a DECISION. Read that again: confidence is a DECISION!

Why, for so many years, did I allow myself to speak to myself the way I did? I would never speak to my daughter that way. I would never tell her she wasn’t beautiful enough, that she needed more of anything to be gorgeous. I would never tell my sister she wasn’t enough. I would never tell my best friend any of the hurtful things I have fed myself over the years, destroying my self-confidence. So I finally stopped speaking to myself the way I would NEVER speak to anyone I loved. I have made it a daily activity, if you will.

Over the past three months (which is when I finally took BII seriously and stopped being in denial about it) I have been working on my self-confidence. Reminding myself that I am in-fact confident.

When any of the not-so-pretty thoughts enter my mind, I remind myself … that is NOT the person I want to be or the person I am! Your love, support and positivity will mean the world through this explant journey!

I will continue to share my story if you care to follow!

We Can Do Hard Things

Wow, that looks super hard! Good job Mama, you are really strong”, my 6-year-old said to me this morning as he watched me workout. He made me smile, his words made my eyes fill with happy tears. He made me feel stronger and so proud.

A little while later, I am in the bathroom doing my make-up; my three-year-old by my side, also ‘doing her make-up’, Grayson asks me: “why do you wear make-up every day?” slightly caught off guard I looked at him & said “I guess it makes me feel prettier”. He responded in a confused tone: “why? You are already so beautiful” – Me: crying off the first coat of mascara I just applied: “you are the sweetest boy in the world – that was so nice of you to say to me” “what do you think makes me pretty?”. He stood beside me, hugged my belly and said: “your hair, your eyes, your smile, your tattoos and your love

His heart truly wows me. I wish that tiny, genuine voice could have spoke to the 26 year old me and told me she was pretty for all those reasons.

A friend of mine that also underwent explant surgery could not have worded it any better …. “I wish I took the time to understand how insecurities of 20 something me would translate to compromised health that 30 something me values above everything. I wish I read the black box warning.”

The thing is, I want my Daughter to know that beauty isn’t cosmetic. I want her to pridefully rock the body God blessed her with; without feeling the need to go under a knife to feel pretty like her Mama did. I want my Son to look at women and continue to see beauty in a smile, a conversation, a kind heart, laughter and kindness not measured by the size of her breasts (I know, it will happen at some point because hello: boys + hormones) but you get the point. I want my kids to FEEL beauty, not search for it in a cup size like I felt the need to.

13 days to go! Looking forward to being on the other end of this to begin my healing journey.